Monsters

"You look like tar" 

"Why does your tongue have spots on them?"

"Dang you ARE BLACK!!" 

These are some of the things that were said over me at the tender age of 12 years old in front of our local middle school. This started the journey of hiding within myself, that I learned and became accustomed to. I just had to make it through. I told myself I would finish middle school, and then high school, and I wouldn't ruffle any feathers because I didn't want the pain that came with whatever insult may have been hurled at me.  I remember way back when, when my innocence was stolen before I could even define it, before I took the first hit and started drowning.

As a result of these moments though I didn't dare look at myself in mirrors or too long in photos. Up until now at 26 I had never even owned a mirror. I laid out my clothes for the day and if it looked good I put it on. People told me I was beautiful and I stare at them blankly because I don't know how to receive it. I was pushing along trying to find my identity in this thing.

The worst feeling is to be rotting alive. Seeing yourself decay because you never took care of your wounds and deeply scarred places. This was me. Emotionally and even physically dying because I was refusing to face the hurt and heal the pain, until one day I got a challenge to stare my monster of lies in the face and purchase a mirror. 

I called my friend Jess up and we traveled to Target. She sensed my fear so we kind of took our time walking in the store until we couldn't, or rather I couldn't avoid it anymore. We got to the aisle. I hid between the mirrors while Jess asked me how big I wanted to go. I wanted to run out of the store. She looked at my fear stricken face and said to me "Cre what are you afraid you are going to see?" 

Just when I  thought when I was finished hurting, and began running straight to Jesus for healing, I would see a new villain in front of me. I was exhausted from fighting the monsters in my path to God's beautiful destiny for me. The lies had taken my confidence, my focus, and my sleep. The monsters were keeping me from loving effectively, because I couldn't receive the love that was being given to me. 


All around me I see lives crippled by the fear of not getting anything back. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I remember how afraid she was to live. Now I see the only thing holding me back was me. The only reason we can hear the whispers of our critics is because we don’t live loud enough. We become content to stifle our best so that we can feel like the rest. I don’t want to live a life that requires I lose a piece of me to gain a good opinion from them. I was afraid to see the demons that I taken root in my life and caused me more pain than I ever thought possible. I was afraid that what if I wasn't pretty enough. I was afraid and I knew that I didn't see myself the way that God saw me. 

There's a girl or a woman out there that is struggling to identify with her self worth and I want to fight with her in this as I'm fighting for myself. Just like you I had to fight and slay a lot of monsters to get here. I did not believe in healing. I did not feel capable of love in any form, especially loving myself. 

Your happiness and wholeness depends on this move. God gave you grace on credit because he wanted to increase your faith. You graduated that test, but now you’re going to have to do the work of stretching your faith by stepping into obedience. I want you to know that God says you are worthy and enough in a world that wants to break you down. God has a desire to see and uplift you in His image and not the worlds. This kind of change is going to shake things up, but it will be good for you. Pick you. Choose you. Fight for you. 

God,

Thank you for the pain that led me to this place, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because now starts the journey where I can feel all that you are going to do through me and the lives of others. I look in the mirror and I see a daughter that is being raised by a King. I pray that more people would know what it's like to be made in your image. 

Signed,