Scared of Beautiful: Beauty for Ashes

"Scared of the light more than the dark. Scared of beautiful."---Brandy

I hated me. God will show us how to love an imperfect person perfectly, right? The only problem is you have to truly believe that, and I don’t think you can until you experience it.  I think unconditional self love is buried underneath our shame, pain, and fear. We carry those bags from one thing to the next never stopping to unpack and allow ourselves the opportunity to see ourselves the way He sees us.

I have had one goal for the last 12 years, and that was to hide in the shadows. I wanted no one to know me. I wanted to let no one in because it lessened the chances of me being hurt. Well that is what I thought I was doing. 

Truth is I was running from this cryptic phrase "you look like tar" about my self image, and I carried that bag with me everywhere. I hated what that phrase made me become. More weak than I could ever imagine, more wounded than I knew possible. 

Because life is the way it is, we collect more shame along the way. More elephants, less room. It becomes difficult to conceive that someone could love you when you still cringe at the memory of your past.

I find myself at the well often. Drawing water during random times of the day so that I don't have to interact with anyone that knows my life or my story. Then there is Jesus asking me for a drink and my mind cannot even conceive that someone knows me, that there is someone that SEES me. Not only does he see me, he desires for me to travel deeper with him. To come out of the shadows of my past, to place down my bags that I have been carrying, and sit with him in the light. 

In the light there is freedom. What the world called an outcast The Father says I am enough. What the world deemed unworthy He calls me worthy. I woke up and realized that my value is rooted in Jesus and not the things and standards of this world. The world will have you believing that you have to scrub your skin to be lighter and accepted, while The Father created you from the dust of the earth.

What is beauty to me? Beauty is recognizing that your inward appearance will reflect your outward always. If people really see you they will see the dark places that you are trying to hide from the world. For me at this place in my life I desire to step outside of fear and walk in the newness of what God has clothed me to be. I decided to stop being so afraid of being beautiful. I am taking a chance on my happiness because I desire to liberate myself from feeling helpless and determine I am going to be whole. 

Father,

Someone out there is walking in the shame of their past.

I pray that they will see beauty in your eyes and realize that you

are able to make all things new. Help them to walk into 

the light and feel the freedom that comes from there.

Signed,

Owning My Ashes